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Discussion Starter #1
Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around
at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However,
lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that
your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you
make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a
fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big
Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE &
topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely
unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body
mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in
no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been
the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and
the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask
that you carefully review my griev! ances above & address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday
3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Jay :D
 

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has been passed to coworkers...well actually just one, but she'll send it to everyone
 

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FordMan77 said:
Dear Alcohol,1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication isimportant, I question the suggestion that any conversation ofsubstance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a
fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
I couldn't agree more. Telephones should have a breathalyzer on them so before you can dial, you have to submit to a BAC test.
 

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Haha I read this only moments after shuffeling off some chick i met at the bar last night.
 

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Resident redneck
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1,921 Posts
FordMan77 said:
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big
Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE &
topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

so true :uppoint:
 

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Chief of Warranty Police
Joined
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1,492 Posts
DMcBrideBoston said:
I couldn't agree more. Telephones should have a breathalyzer on them so before you can dial, you have to submit to a BAC test.
Virgin Mobile in Australia is now using a new system where you give the company the phone number(s) of people you're likely to call when you're drunk, and they block it until the next morning so you can't call.

CLICKY
 
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