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From: The McCURTAIN GAZETTE (Broken Bow, Oklahoma), June 17th, 2007

HUNDREDS DIE FLAMING DEATH WHEN AREA BACK-YARD MECHANIC REMOVES SMOG PUMP BAFFLE
Thousands are in mourning today, after yesterday's horrific blast, when the backyard lean-to shed housing Jim Bob Bradshaw's classic 1978 Ford LTD 4-door car exploded in a titanic blast which shook windows as far as 68 miles away. Investigators concluded that Mr. Bradshaw had performed the highly-dangerous vehicle modification called the 'Jim Bob Special' to his car, in which he believed it would add an extra 400 horsepower to his engine. According to state forensics specialists, the removal of that baffle caused a feedback loop, which somehow pressurized the headrest cushions with thousands of pounds of air pressure, eventually reaching around 40,000 psi, bursting the headrests with the explosive force of 10,000,000 small plastic bags being aired up and popped by hand clap.

Investigators combing the wreckage around the 30-mile blast zone discovered the body of Mr Bradshaw, with a 'definite look of surprise on his face', laying some 10 miles away from his home, after landing in the middle of a shipping warehouse, which housed "John's Mostly Used Mail Order Toilets", causing the entire roof to collapse.
Investigators are also combing the wreckage for the bodies of victims, the blast also hitting a nearby high school for the deaf. "They never heard it coming" says one unnamed school official who survived the fiery blast.

The death toll remains unknown at this point, as the search for survivors is still ongoing, local officials state. "We only have one guy combing the wreckage right now, we sent the other three guys out to get us some lunch, and they never came back....that was four days ago". Also slowing down the search was the nagging hangnail injury of the lone searcher, Walter Pinton: "I know it hurts, especially if I brush something with that finger, but I know that I must go on, nevermind how much pain I am burdened with".

State and Local officials have put a state-wide moratorium on all Smog-Pump Baffle removals, until state scientists can determine what series of cause and effect relationships caused such widespread damage. (A/P story)
 

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