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Discussion Starter #1
Just found out from my friend (who is her uncle) that my 12 yr old daughter has a boyfriend. Has also been sneaking out of the house and walking a mile and a half to a park to meet him. She turned 12 2 weeks ago and Im trying to keep my kid from screwing up her life. Shes very bright, good grades and plays 2 instruments but finding out shes lying to me and her mom, Im seeing red right now. Im talking blinding rage. Im looking for some advice from anyone who has a daughter about this age or anyone at all. Ive decided to not say anything to her about this until tomorrow. I need to calm down. I know its a car forum but we have some very bright people here and I need help. Right now Im thinking home school for her and shotgun and an extra lump in the back yard for someone
 

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Maybe you should talk this out akin to international negotiations with her face to face. Remember you can only force an issue like this for so long before it goes from bad to worse. I lived with a family of liars, until you get her to want to be honest with you, you wont win this fight. She will outlive you. Force will only win a battle of the day and not the war of a lifetime. Im from a big family thats all I can say.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I THOUGHT she was beening honest. My good little daddies girl's gone bad
 

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Dont kill the boy.....

I was in your shoes a few months back. But, my lovely daughter is 17 with some 20 year old POS. *no job, living with mommy, smoking weed daily, and driving her car which he hit someone in...god knows who**This @$$hat needed to be shot, but I chose not to go to jail. You can restrict here from going out, teen girls are a slick bunch. I would talk to her don't yell, but keep things real. Talk to her about the dangers of sex and bad decisions.

Again...don't kill the boy
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Dont kill the boy.....

I was in your shoes a few months back. But, my lovely daughter is 17 with some 20 year old POS. *no job, living with mommy, smoking weed daily, and driving her car which he hit someone in...god knows who**This @$$hat needed to be shot, but I chose not to go to jail. You can restrict here from going out, teen girls are a slick bunch. I would talk to her don't yell, but keep things real. Talk to her about the dangers of sex and bad decisions.

Again...don't kill the boy
Maybe I should not yell and try talking things out rashionally. As far as not killing some kid who chose the wrong girl, that will be very diffacult
 

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I went through it with my little girl, and my girlfriend's best friend (Maggie) is going through something similar with her 14 year old daughter. First and foremost, calm down. Almost every decision I've made 'hot-headed', I look back and see I could have handled better.

If your daughter and you have a great relationship, then you can talk to her about it rationally, she will value your advice and guidance, and you should rest easy that she will make the correct decisions as situations arise.

As for sneaking out at night? Oh yes, punishment is in order - whatever works for you (freedom, phone, computer, toys, whatever taken away), but she definitely needs to know that bad behavior is neither ignored or tolerated! I raised two boys and a girl, all had different punishments that worked with them.....

I also had a reward system that worked EXTREMELY well on all three. If they were good, they got allowance, as the screwed up, it costed them money. Very, Very effective behavior modification system!
 

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why is she sneaking out first things first cause that right there tells me that she thinks she has to do that because maybe she thinks you don't approve or maybe you already don't but if thats the case you have to let her realize he is stupid or you will always look like the bad guy but obviously you should really tell her the outcome of stupid decisions. great advice is always taken plus girls are usually smarter and more rash so she should be fine
 

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^ Come on man, I was out of breath when I finished that first sentence.. lol

Your first choice of taking a step back to calm down was the best thing to do. Being so young she probably just doesn't fully understand the danger of what shes doing (other than her dad is going to kill her when he finds out :)). Might want to find out more about the boy. Ask her first, then do your own research... Be careful with this tho, you don't want to loose her trust. Good luck
 

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^ Come on man, I was out of breath when I finished that first sentence.. lol
I thought there was only one! (but now I see he threw in a few extra words after a period)!!!
 

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First things first, get to the bottom of the reason for the sneaking around, I seem to recall a while back your old lady walking out on you, and then trying to have somebody vandalize your car, etc. Is that her mother, or is that somebody else? Did that situation have anything to do with what is beginning to happen now? And to repeat what was asked previously, why is she sneaking out, why does she feel that she won't be trusted in the first place?

And some questions...

-How old is the kid she is "seeing"?
-Have you met him?

If he's a little punk, then that is a problem.

But here's the thing, she's 12. It was bound to start/happen at some point, she will grow up, she will date people, now, "dating" is not/should not be the same thing as any little gf/bf stuff that goes on in middle school....then again, what do I know. Point is, you can't keep them locked up forever, but again, what do I know.

Also, and please, don't anybody get mad at me, I'm a total moron and I know nothing. Seriously. But let me ask this...

I had an older sister, growing up, and, when she was around that age, they wanted to keep her under lock and key, she wasn't allowed to date, when she did everybody freaked, etc.

When I reached that age, I was pressured to date, it was all about "hey son, go out and bag as many women as possible..."

I noticed this with ALL my friends too.

Again, why is there a double standard? If your twelve year old SON had a girlfriend....would you have posted something very different, or not at all, because it just doesn't bother you?

Maybe there's not a double standard at all, again, I'm clueless, I haven't had more than a couple relationships, didn't date in school, and never, ever, ever want to have kids, and don't really understand the whole parental thing, so, what do I know.

But really, I am curious, why do parents get so freaked about their daughter dating, yet pushing their son into it?

Like I said, I understand you don't want her to end up with a punk, don't want her to end up pregnant down the line, etc. Plus, guys only have one thing on their mind, yes I get it....but if it was your son instead of your daughter, what would you be posting, if anything at all?
 

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You first need to find out WHY she feels she needs to sneak out. 12 and already has a "boyfriend"? Wow, they do start early. You need to have a serious talk with her. Keep a cool, level head. One good question is, how old is this "boyfriend"? Just get the facts first, then give your input on the matter. One thing for you to keep in mind is to remember what it was like when you were 12. Would you want some girl's dad wanting to kick your butt just because you want to be with said girl? Who knows, maybe this boy has a good head on his shoulders. A serious talk with her is definitely in order though.
 

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Call Lex & Terry (the givers) they can give great advise for this problem..
1-866-977-3687 its a radio show. Be on the air from 6-11am
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Earl that was just a girlfriend. Ive been divorced for over 6 yrs. Me and my ex co parent and talk alot. She is probably afraid I will kill or scare the crap out of him. I do understand she will date but she is too young. I will also admit a double standard, if it was a son(which I dont have) I would congradulate him. But its my daughter.


I have not met him. Me and her mom have put alot of trust in her, but now Im not sure. Even if he is perfect she's too young. I was a wild child and did abunch of stupid things. I do not want her to follow in my footsteps.
 

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One more thing, which only applies if you believe the Bible.

Remember the Garden of Eden? The Perfect Father and his two children?

Even there, the children failed.

So, whereas you may need to check and see where you screwed up, don't assume it's ALL on you.

RwP
 

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One more thing, which only applies if you believe the Bible.

Remember the Garden of Eden? The Perfect Father and his two children?

Even there, the children failed.

So, whereas you may need to check and see where you screwed up, don't assume it's ALL on you.

RwP
??:confused::confused:
 

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Earl that was just a girlfriend. Ive been divorced for over 6 yrs. Me and my ex co parent and talk alot. She is probably afraid I will kill or scare the crap out of him. I do understand she will date but she is too young. I will also admit a double standard, if it was a son(which I dont have) I would congradulate him. But its my daughter.


I have not met him. Me and her mom have put alot of trust in her, but now Im not sure. Even if he is perfect she's too young. I was a wild child and did abunch of stupid things. I do not want her to follow in my footsteps.
Annnd here is the problem. You're creating the problem yourself. Your young lady is growing up on you, and it is perfectly natural. She wants to most likely be honest with you as to having a boyfriend and what is going on, however, she most likely is hesitant due to the fact that you are so overbearing. I can completely understand where you are coming from as a father, wanting to protect your daughter and put her in a glass bottle, but you can't do that as a parent. You have to slowly let the reigns get looser or her trust and lines of communication with you will disappear, and you will be left in the dark not knowing what is going on at all. Her hormones are probably starting, and you are NOT going to suppress them, she WILL find a way to seek out attention from male candidates. You have to trust in how you raised her, and reinforce it without being overbearing.

My advice is to not stick to the double standard here, and just approach her about it. Keep a cool level head and LISTEN to all she has to say (no interjecting and chastizing...children want to be heard), and try to be pleasant while interacting with her so she knows she can tell all, without being hit with a brick wall. Tell her you are always going to look out for her best interests, and that you are disappointed with her for going behind your back and thought she would trust you enough to talk to you about it. (even though she is a smart kid, and knew that wouldn't be an option based on how you are portraying yourself towards this boy on here even.)

Summary:
- Approach her about the boy and let her tell you the whole scoop, and do NOT yell at her or threaten her in anyway, simply listen. It will shock you how much she will actually tell you when she knows she won't get punished for being open.
-Do punish her for sneaking out...at the age of 12 there is NO reason to be sneaking out, tell her it is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Tell her there are other ways to get to see him. In fact, suggest to her that if she really likes this boy that you will take her and him out to a movie or to get a snack. This gives you the opportunity to read the boy and see what his mannerisms are like, and him and her get to have a good time. After you have taken them out, sit her down, and inform her of what YOU think about the boy in an honest light as if it was you when you were 12. Can't expect a 12-15 year old boy to act like a 28 year old Gentleman, but should still be well mannered.
-Reassure your young lady that there isn't ANYTHING she cannot approach you about, and that you will only offer up the best advice you possibly can and that you love her with all your heart, and she's all you've got (if this is true of course.)

Let me know how things turn out. Guns and boyfriends have no place together. Trust me, my girlfriend's dad is one scary guy, all i can say is he was with "the teams"...and a sniper, if that isn't intimidation factor for you, I don't know what is. I carry myself well, and am in college. Did he ever threaten me once? No, in fact he always chats me up and we get along great, he takes me and my lady out to movies and dinners every now and then, and he's a great guy. I would do anything I could to help him out. That is the bond you want to try and instill with your daughter's choice of boy. But this is after you have learned about him and had him around a while, don't judge a book by it's cover, and hear him out too. Find out more about his life, but don't be too over-the-top. Be that "cool" dad, but still do your job and inform yourself and inform your daughter what you think is a good choice. She WILL listen to you. (A role model dad is better than a gun weilding dad for a young boy seeking out "love". It also makes your daughter less embarassed by your behavior.)
 

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Annnd here is the problem. You're creating the problem yourself. Your young lady is growing up on you, and it is perfectly natural. She wants to most likely be honest with you as to having a boyfriend and what is going on, however, she most likely is hesitant due to the fact that you are so overbearing. I can completely understand where you are coming from as a father, wanting to protect your daughter and put her in a glass bottle, but you can't do that as a parent. You have to slowly let the reigns get looser or her trust and lines of communication with you will disappear, and you will be left in the dark not knowing what is going on at all. Her hormones are probably starting, and you are NOT going to suppress them, she WILL find a way to seek out attention from male candidates. You have to trust in how you raised her, and reinforce it without being overbearing.

My advice is to not stick to the double standard here, and just approach her about it. Keep a cool level head and LISTEN to all she has to say (no interjecting and chastizing...children want to be heard), and try to be pleasant while interacting with her so she knows she can tell all, without being hit with a brick wall. Tell her you are always going to look out for her best interests, and that you are disappointed with her for going behind your back and thought she would trust you enough to talk to you about it. (even though she is a smart kid, and knew that wouldn't be an option based on how you are portraying yourself towards this boy on here even.)

Summary:
- Approach her about the boy and let her tell you the whole scoop, and do NOT yell at her or threaten her in anyway, simply listen. It will shock you how much she will actually tell you when she knows she won't get punished for being open.
-Do punish her for sneaking out...at the age of 12 there is NO reason to be sneaking out, tell her it is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Tell her there are other ways to get to see him. In fact, suggest to her that if she really likes this boy that you will take her and him out to a movie or to get a snack. This gives you the opportunity to read the boy and see what his mannerisms are like, and him and her get to have a good time. After you have taken them out, sit her down, and inform her of what YOU think about the boy in an honest light as if it was you when you were 12. Can't expect a 12-15 year old boy to act like a 28 year old Gentleman, but should still be well mannered.
-Reassure your young lady that there isn't ANYTHING she cannot approach you about, and that you will only offer up the best advice you possibly can and that you love her with all your heart, and she's all you've got (if this is true of course.)

Let me know how things turn out. Guns and boyfriends have no place together. Trust me, my girlfriend's dad is one scary guy, all i can say is he was with "the teams"...and a sniper, if that isn't intimidation factor for you, I don't know what is. I carry myself well, and am in college. Did he ever threaten me once? No, in fact he always chats me up and we get along great, he takes me and my lady out to movies and dinners every now and then, and he's a great guy. I would do anything I could to help him out. That is the bond you want to try and instill with your daughter's choice of boy. But this is after you have learned about him and had him around a while, don't judge a book by it's cover, and hear him out too. Find out more about his life, but don't be too over-the-top. Be that "cool" dad, but still do your job and inform yourself and inform your daughter what you think is a good choice. She WILL listen to you. (A role model dad is better than a gun weilding dad for a young boy seeking out "love". It also makes your daughter less embarassed by your behavior.)
That's pretty much what I wanted to say, but was too tired/ lazy to type it all out.
 

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Positive Influences

Keeping your child involved in positive activities is all about providing appealing alternatives to those undesirable behaviors.

The fact is, you can’t keep your teen at home or expect that they will never want to go out with their friends.

As a parent you can lay some foundation though and expose your teen to positive people, uplifting environments, and positive activities.

There are several organizations dedicated to helping youth stay positive, succeed in school, and involved in positive activities.

What your teen really needs are positive role models and friends who can influence your child with "positive peer pressure."

One of the best places to find these is a strong church youth group.

Find a church in your area that have frequent activities geared towards providing positive but enjoyable activities for youth.

Positive Influences




Rayo..
 

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It's really not all that complicated - she's 12 years old, growing up, and curious about boys. Dad, you already know what's going on, it's new ground for her, "boyfriend", she KNOWS you wouldn't approve, so she hides it from you.

Like everyone said, try to stay calm and if you scold her, it's only for sneaking out. TALK to her about boys (or let your lady do it - may be easier).....
 
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