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Ooooh I have a ton of quotes.

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. " - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. " - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great. " - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

"His ignorance is encyclopedic" - Abba Eban (1915-)

"If a man does his best, what else is there?" - General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. " - A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. " - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. " - Saint Augustine (354-430)

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. " - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. " - Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. " - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"This book fills a much-needed gap. " - Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

"The full use of your powers along lines of excellence. " - definition of "happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. " - E E cummings (1894-1962)

"Give me a museum and I'll fill it. " - Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

"Assassins!" - Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra

"I'll moider da bum. " - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. " - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. " - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. " - Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode"

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. " - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. " - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. " - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." - George Burns (1896-1996)

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." - Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." - Edsgar Dijkstra

"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." - Bjarne Stroustrup

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." - Paul Erdos

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." - Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near." - Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'." - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it." - John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) when asked what is his favorite song

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." - unknown

"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them." - Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)

"Facts are the enemy of truth." - Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." - George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." - Anais Nin (1903-1977)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

"I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right." - Frederick (II) the Great

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact." - George Eliot (1819-1880)

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney (1901-1966)

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." - James Branch Cabell

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship." - John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Pierce (1842-1914)

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it." - G. K. Chesterfield

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." - Umberto Eco

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." - Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." - Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." - Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street." - Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." - Frank Zappa

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint Exupery
 

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"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." - G. B. Burgin

"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action." - Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger" by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" - - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix

"A clever man commits no minor blunders." - Goethe (1749-1832)

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." - Richard Bach

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire (1694-1778)

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." - Will Durant

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." - Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

"It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means." - Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"I'll sleep when I'm dead." - Warren Zevon

"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, they finish by loading honors on your head." - Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

"Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together." - Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it" - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." - Seneca (3BC - 65AD)

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." - the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"Luck is the residue of design." - Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team

"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. " - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

"Wit is educated insolence. " - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. " - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. " - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. " - Gore Vidal

"Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. " - Samuel Palmer (1805-80)

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. " - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. " - Guy Davenport

"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. " - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. " - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. " - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

"We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?" - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

"When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. " - Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)

"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. " - Paul Dirac (1902-1984)

"I would have made a good Pope. " - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

"Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. " - John von Neumann (1903-1957)

"The mistakes are all waiting to be made. " - chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position

"It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. " - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

"Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. " - Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. " - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. " - H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

"There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult." - C. A. R. Hoare

"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. " - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"What do you take me for, an idiot?" General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy

"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. " - Bill Hirst

"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. " - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. " - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959 )

"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. " - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

"A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. " - John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

"Logic is in the eye of the logician. "- Gloria Steinem

"No one can earn a million dollars honestly. " - William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live. " - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. " - Martin Fraquhar Tupper

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. " - Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. " - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"When ideas fail, words come in very handy. "- Goethe (1749-1832)

"In the end, everything is a gag. "- Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. " - Lucille S. Harper

"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. "- Yogi Berra

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. " - Walt Disney (1901-1966)

"He who hesitates is a damned fool. "- Mae West (1892-1980)

"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. " - Gail Godwin

"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. " - Henry Kissinger (1923-)

"The graveyards are full of indispensable men. " - Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. " - Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

"Behind every great fortune there is a crime. " - Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. " - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

"I am not young enough to know everything. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. "- General George Patton (1885-1945)

"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. " - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

"There is no sincerer love than the love of food. " - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. " - Katherine Cebrian

"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. " - Steven Wright

"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour. " - Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

"Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. "- Oliver Herford (1863-1935)
 

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"I have read your book and much like it. " - Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

"The covers of this book are too far apart. " - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. " - Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. " - Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. " - Voltaire (1694-1778)

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. " - Mae West (1892-1980)

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. " - Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

"No Sane man will dance. "- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

"Hell is a half-filled auditorium. "- Robert Frost (1874-1963)

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. " - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

"Vote early and vote often. "- Al Capone (1899-1947)

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Hell is other people. "- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

"I am become death, shatterer of worlds. " - Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavadgita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory. " - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. "- Thomas Jones

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. " - Al Capone (1899-1947)

"The gods too are fond of a joke. " - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes. " - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. " - Gloria Leonard

"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. " - Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. " - Robert Orben

"The cynics are right nine times out of ten. " - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. " - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. " - Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Plato was a bore. " - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. " - Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. " - Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

"Hemingway was a jerk. " - Harold Robbins

"How can I lose to such an idiot?" - A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. " - Woody Allen (1935-)

"I don't feel good. " - The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. "- Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)

"Men have become the tools of their tools. " - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. "- Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines

"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. " - Gore Vidal

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. " - Woody Allen (1935-)

"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. "- Abba Eban (1915-)

"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me. " - Charles William Stubbs

"Sanity is a madness put to good uses. " - George Santayana (1863-1952)

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television. " - Fred Allen (1894-1956)

"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. "- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. " - Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

"Why don't you write books people can read?" - Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)

"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. " - T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

"Criticism is prejudice made plausible. " - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"It is better to be quotable than to be honest. "- Tom Stoppard

"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. " - Karl Wallenda

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized. " - Sun Tzu

"A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. " - Lao-Tzu (570?-490? BC)

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it. " - Alan Kay

"Never mistake motion for action. " - Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

"Hell is paved with good samaritans. " - William M. Holden

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. " - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Silence is argument carried out by other means. " - Ernesto"Che"Guevara (1928-1967)

"Well done is better than well said. " - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"The average person thinks he isn't. "- Father Larry Lorenzoni

"Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. "- William Congreve (1670-1729)

"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. " - Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century. " - Perelman

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. " - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. " - Sigfried Hulzer

"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. " - Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. " - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. " - Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

"I think it would be a good idea. " - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!"- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" "- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. " - Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity. " - Irving Kristol
 

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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. " - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"640K ought to be enough for anybody. " - Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. " - A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. " - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Everything that can be invented has been invented. " - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood. " - General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. " - Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. " - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. " - last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. " - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. " - Tom Clancy

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. " - Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince"

"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. " - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. " - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. " - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"Half this game is ninety percent mental. " - Yogi Berra

"There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole. "- Bill Wulf

"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. " - Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I criticize by creation - not by finding fault." - Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair

"My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate." - Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was

"Woman was God's second mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong." - Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper

"For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing." - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"Pray, n:. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies." - Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

"Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run." - Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

"He would make a lovely corpse." - Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"I worship the quicksand he walks in." - Art Buchwald

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"A poem is never finished, only abandoned. " - Paul Valery (1871-1945)

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." - General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?" - Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing

"#3 pencils and quadrille pads." - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.

"I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray." - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when was informed that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.

"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis. " - Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.

"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. " - Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"The truth is more important than the facts. " - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. " - Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. " - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. "- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box." -- Italian proverb

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards." - George Carlin

"Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?" - George Carlin

"OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? - George Carlin"

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?" - George Carlin

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals - He just thinks they need more supervision." - George Carlin

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that- 'I do' is the longest sentence?" - George Carlin

"Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?" - George Carlin

"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?" - George Carlin

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with." - George Carlin

"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?" - George Carlin

"Why is the man who invests called a broker?" - George Carlin

"When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?" - George Carlin

"Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?" - George Carlin

"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that: electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?" - George Carlin

"If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?" - George Carlin

"Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?" - George Carlin

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little.spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?" - George Carlin

"Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, Write To Them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?" - George Carlin

"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?" - George Carlin

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts." - George Carlin

"Why do overlook and oversee,- mean Opposite things?" - George Carlin

"If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?" - George Carlin

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because, if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama 1994

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, Id' love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff" - Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Rodham Clinton

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles De Gaulle

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Marion Barry

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Dan Quayle

"Did you know there is a 10,000 character per post limit?" - ShadowDragon
 

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"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." ---William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan

"George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize." --Walter Mondale

"Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time." --George Bush

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." --from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." --Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

"They X-Rayed my head and found nothing." --Jerome "Dizzy" Dean
 

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ShadowDragon, I dont think you have enough there ;) Actually I had about the same amount before my last HD crash. Anyways my all time favorite is:

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible"
-Walt Disney

I look at that and it just keeps me inspired to be a filmmaker.

-Shawn
 

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And now it's time for Deep Thoughts, with Jack Handy

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw **** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
 

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More Deep thoughts

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that 100 dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that 50 dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
 

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Yet more deep thoughts

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
 

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"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking the numeral zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth

"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired." -- R. Geis

"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way." -- Jessica Rabbit

"Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?" -- Arthur Dent

"Slimey? Mud hole? My HOME this is!" -- Yoda

"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!" -- Ford Prefect

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean---neither more nor less."

"Where are we going?" "Nowhere." "So what's the rush?" -- The Lost Boys

"You may ask yourself, how did I get here? This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!" -- Talking Heads

...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension. -- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

An armed society is a polite society.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.

Ask a fish head anything you want to. It won't answer you; they can't talk.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better get used to it.

Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world was a word processor?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. -- Bruce Cockburn

Fools! Idiots! Don't they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond comprehension! -- Doctor Science

Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?

Hindsight is an exact science.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow

I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed...

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50 it will.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.
New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. -- David Letterman

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric Hoffer

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. -- Arthur C. Clarke

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman... -- Woody Allen

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.

Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately. -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

We've got the best government money can buy.

When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn't enough. -- Alex P. Keaton

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! -- Monty Python's Holy Grail

I think that is all I have saved
 

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one of my favs - "The valleys spirit is a woman. Use her root at the gateway to heaven and it will never fail"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Not a clue. I'm hoping it means find what u want and just take it."
-Bandits
 
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