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3,231 Posts
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are hiking cross country in order to collect some clues for their latest case. As night begins to fall they stop and make camp. After a brief meal, they crawl into their tent and fall alseep.

later that night Holmes nudges Watson till he wakes
"Watson, I want you to look up and tell me about what you see."

"Well Holmes, modern science tells us that every one of those flickering stars is another sun, billions of miles away. And some of those suns probably have planets orbiting them. And maybe, just maybe one of them has life on it. And maybe there are 2 creatures on that planet staring up at the sky thinking the same thing."

"No you moron, some stole our frickin tent!"

1,846 Posts
very old, and translated, let's see how this works...

So a guy had a penis transplant and instead of being given a normal penis, he was given an elephant trunk. While at a restaurant on a first date, the trunk snuck out of his pants, reached across the table, grabbed an orange and quickly disappeared under the table. The woman saw what happened, but pretended that she didn't. Some time goes by, the trunk comes out and grabs another orange and quickly disappears under the table again. The woman is anxious to find out what's going on so she finally asks the guy to explain what's happening. The guy goes on to explain that he had a penis transplant after he had an accident and was given an elephant trunk instead. The woman thinks it's pretty cool and says...

"You gotta show me how you do that trick with the orange again"

and the guy replies...

"I'd love to, but I don't think I can fit a 3rd orange into my a$$"

Eeyore is walking with his head down as usual and all of a sudden sees Piglet lying in the middle of the road with one of his legs ripped out and with one of his eyes missing.
"Oh my goodness, what happenned to you Piglet?" asks Eeyore. And Piglet replies...
"Oh, I had a bet with Pooh. I bet my eye that he wouldn't have the guts to rip out my leg."

668 Posts
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee
mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several oh his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap…
The Army is still looking for him.
Osama bin Laden, net feeling well and concerned about
his mortality goes to consult a psychic about the date of
his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the
realm of the future she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.”
“Which one?” Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic.
“Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday.”
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender “Isn’t that Bush and
the Powell sitting over there?” Bartender says, “Yep, that’s
them.” So the guys walks over and says, “Wow this is a
real honor. What are you guys doing in here?” Bush says,
“We’re planning WWIII.” And the guy says “Really?
What is going to happen?” Bush says, “Well we’re going to kill
25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman?
Why kill a bicycle repairman.”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
“See, smart a$$! I told you no one would worry about the
25 million Iraqis!”

668 Posts
OK this is gonna be long but really really worth the read sorry all. But I must say enjoy:D

Anger Management

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number, and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I Yelled, "You're an a$#hole!" and hung
up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$#hole' next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him.

He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a$#hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$#hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID Program."

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an a$#hole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down the phone number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$#hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$#hole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can I come by to see it?"

"Sure, I'm at 1802 West 34th Street. A yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to come by, Don?"

"Anytime after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an a$#hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a
problem, I had two a$#holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with a new idea:

I called A$#hole #1.


"You're an a$#hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yep," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed,

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Why don't we meet in person?"

"OK A$#hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black BMW out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You ready to get your a$$ kicked?"

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$#hole."

Then I called a$#hole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello A$#hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and Immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on west 34th
Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I really feel better.:king:

Tried to edit the content I hope no one was to offended.

36 Posts
Hope noone gets offended

there is a polish guy rowing a boat out in the middle of a field. another polish guy walking buy yell, what the h3ll are you doing, you a$$holes are the ones that give us a bad name. guy in the boat replies F#@! you. other guy yells you better keep your mouth shut or i'm gonna swim out there and kick your a$$

1,411 Posts
theres this guy whos having trouble in the bedroom, so he goes to the doctor to see about some sort of viagra. The doctor gives him a new pill and tells him it is experimental and he should call back the next morning and tell her how it went. The next day the man calls her and says "That worked amazing,i havent had it that good in years, what would happen if i took 2 pills?" The doctor replied, "i dont know, try it and call me" the next day the man called and said "that was so great, we went all night long, my wife loves it, she has no idea whats going on, but ive got a question.....what would happen if i took 5 pills?" The docotr said "NO! don't do that that could be dangerous.......but if you do, call me and tell me how it goes. the next day the doctor gets a call from a little girl-"Are you my daddys doctor? my daddys gone nuts, my moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and my dads crawling around the yard yelling "here kitty kitty"

14,208 Posts
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship.. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

Pedal Faster
2,658 Posts
Okay, I haven't seen this one posted yet:

One morning a guy is getting ready to go to work, but his wife and kids are sick, and he has to spend extra time cleaning up the house and giving kids medicine, etc. So with all of that done, he is running very late and has a job-on-the-line meeting he has to attend. He jumps in his Tbird and heads off to work.

The guy gets on the freeway, notices there is zero traffic and decides he can push it a little. He takes it up to about 80 and finally starts making up some lost time. But as he goes under an overpass, he realizes he just got hit by a radar gun and there's a cop now flying down the on-ramp coming after him.

The guy pulls over and the cop gets out of his car. The cop sidles up to the guy's window and says snidely, "Man, you were really flyin' there pal, I'm gonna' have to write you up for doing 90 in a 65."

The guy knows he was going less than that, but hoping to hurry things along, he doesn't argue, he simply says to the officer, "I'm sorry sir, I know I was speeding, is there anyway we can hurry this up? I'm late for work..."

The cop cuts him off, "Well now! If you're so concerned about work, maybe you shouldn't do stuff that'll get you pulled over! Now let's see that license and registration!"

The guy is really frustrated now, but he complies silently and hands over his information. As the cop is writing the ticket next to the car, he asks, "Say, what do you do anyway?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher."

The officer give him a puzzled look and asks what that is.

"Well," says the guy, "A client comes to me, and I stick a finger in his rectum. First it's just one finger, pretty soon I can fit two, not long after that I can get both hands in there and stretch it out to a diameter of about 6 feet."

The officer's jaw hangs open slightly and he stare blankly at the guy before saying, "Well.... what do you do with a 6 foot *******?!!"

The man replies without missing a beat, "You give him a radar gun and park him on that overpass back there."


7,997 Posts
The Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists . . . two
men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't
kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil; don't mess with them!

14,208 Posts
A skeptical guy goes one of those psychics.

During the reading the psychic looks to the man and says "Ah.. I see you are the father of two children."

The man laughs "See I knew you were fakes, I am the father of three children."

The psychic replies "That's what you think."

160 Posts
The Seven Dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.

So Happy got up and left.

~J. Wo

Pedal Faster
2,658 Posts
A lawyer parks his new Lexus on a New York street one day and swings his door wide open without looking behind him. He's screaming in to his cell phone as he starts to get out, but all of the sudden a garbage truck rolls by and tears the door off of the car.

The garbage truck screeches to a stop ahead of the Lexus and the driver gets out. Enraged, the lawyer rushes the garbage truck driver and begins screaming at him,


The garbage man looks slightly pale and very concerned, he says, "Mister, are you okay?"

The lawyer, ignoring the comment, screams again, "LOOK AT IT! THE DOOR IS GONE, THE FENDER IS SMASHED!"

The lawyer continues to scream for a good minute and a half until a police officer arrives on the scene. The friendly officer tells the garbage truck driver to go wait by his truck and then calls for an ambulance on her radio.

The lawyer, still fuming, yells at the officer, "Why an ambulance? We need a tow truck!"

The officer remains very calm and says to the lawyer, "You know, you lawyers are all the same, so high-strung, always thinking about your possessions, never your own safety."

The lawyer calms down and thinks for a second, then he replies, "What makes you say that?"

Says the officer, "Well, when that garbage truck hit your door it took your arm off with it."

14,208 Posts
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

CatBird Creator
165 Posts
What is the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?

-I dont have a Mercedes in my garage!

What is similar between a truckload of hay and a truckload of dead babies?

-You can unload each with a pitchfork!

Ahahaha, I'm a sick individual!
61 - 80 of 1211 Posts