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Cool Dude said:
"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the
road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,
> 'I wish that @$$hole would've tried that shlt with me!"
:rofl: :rofl: AAHHHH YUP!!
95_SilverBird said:
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted......
Little Johnny just can't stay outta trouble:rofl: :rofl:
 

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It Was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read In school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and Didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
 

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A fireman was working on the engine outside the station
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled
in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon
was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That
sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the
girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and her cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

" The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren
 

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had t stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

:tongue:
 

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The $100 Tattoo

Norman got home late one night and his wife asked, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Norman replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned.
"What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Norman is recovering at the Mayo Clinic.
 

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Kids!! Gotta love the innocence!!:rofl: :rofl:
 

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Here's an outstanding Idea!

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
 

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This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Ministry of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United State that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps, and Motel 6 managers.


It's getting ugly!!!:D :D
 

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I saw the pic of the kids with the paint last week. I would just turn around and walk out the door and let the woman deal with it. I didn't see a thing. :D
 

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I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
 

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After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
himself decided to send (insert politician's name here) a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.

(Insert politician's name here) opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded
message: 370HSSV-0773H.

(Insert politician's name here) was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its
meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell (insert politician's name here)
he's holding the message upside down."

Edited to protected the name of the idiot politician named. :D
 

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From Dogs to God

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?


Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?


<b>Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?</b>:D


Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?


Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?


Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.


Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?


Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
 

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Maybe a re-post, but . . . . .


Some Really Cool Things About Being A Man.

I'm glad I'm a Man because:
1. Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real..... Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
38. You understand why The Three Stooges are funny.
39. You know stuff about tanks.
40. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
41. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
42. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
43. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
44. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
45. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
46. Movie nudity is always female.
47. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
48. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
49. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
50. You can kill your own food.
51. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
52. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
53. You never have to clean a toilet.
54. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
55. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
56. You don't have to shave below your neck.
57. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
58. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
59. You can write your name in the snow.
60. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
61. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
62. Chocolate is just another snack.
63. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
64. Flowers fix everything.
65. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
66. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
67. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
68. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
69. Foreplay is optional.
70. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
71. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
72. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
73. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
74. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
75. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
76. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
77. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too sleezy
78. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
79. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
80. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
81. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
82. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
83. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
84. Bachelor parties kick *** over bridal showers.
85. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
86. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
87. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
88. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
89. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
90. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
91. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
92. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
95. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
96. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
97. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
98. There's always a game on somewhere.

Taken from barstoolracing.net
 

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty cat and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must have been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", replied the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'frack!', the rottweiler ate him!"
 

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I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my testicles and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing loudly.
 
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