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AnimeWhore
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SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK,
Three mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries.


Buttercups...

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his
ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups ?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for
the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have
any butter for anything the rest of your life !"

Then POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you ?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING
!!"


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The
woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch
purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank
you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that
you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: 'Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
 

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The girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids
could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e,
f,g!"
"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other

girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
 

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no offence on these....

how did the Nazi's take Poland?

They marched in backwards and pretended they were leaving
:D

-------------
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?


hand her a shovel :D j/k
 

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ok heres is a good one.. This lady goes to a doctor and says, my husban isn't pleaseing me in bed.. The doctor says well do you want me to help. The lady replies yes that would be great. So the doctor says here is some viagra you can offer it to him, come back in a day or two and we will see if it helped.. So 2 days later the lady comes back and says wow that was great can i get some more. The doc say sure and gives her some more. Again 2 days later she comes back and asks for more. This time the doc just gives her a box of viagra and says this should last awhile.


5 Days later a little boy comes to the doc, the boy says COME HERE!! THe doc bends over and say whats wrong, and the boy slaps him in the face. The doc asks what the hell was that for and the boy responds. Well my mom is dead my sister is pregnet, my butt hurts, and my dad is running around the house screaming here kitty kitty :D ...


Your mama is like a TV even a 2 year old can turn her on.
 

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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
 

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Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.
:uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint:
 

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Big-D
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1,275 Posts
Things I've learned about East Texas.......


*Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
*There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in East Texas..*There
are
10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in East Texas, plus a couple
no
one's seen before.
*Squirrels will eat anything.
*Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
*Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.
*If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls; it bites.
*A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
*Onced and Twiced are words.
*It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
*People actually grow and eat okra.
*"Fixin' to" is one word.
*There is no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then
there's supper.
*Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're
two.
*Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.
*"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
*You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.


More about East Texans....
You know you're from East Texas if:


1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. You know what a 'VOL' is.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it,
no matter what

time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable,
grain, insect or

animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both
unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, tobasco and catsup.
11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page
but
require 6

pages for local gossip and sports.
12. Your think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.
15. You know whether another East Texan is from east, west, or middle
Texas as soon as they open their mouth.


16. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin'
Wal-martin' " or"off to 'Wally World.'"
17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
pinto-bean
weather.
18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or

flavor, Example: "What kinna coke you want?"
19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
20. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
East
Texas (and

those who just wish they were).
 

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Big-D
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1,275 Posts
Rental Car Extras
Tiger Woods is competing in a pro-am tournament overseas when he stops at a gas station to fill up his rental car.

"Good morning to you, sir," says the station attendant, who isn't a golf fan and doesn't know who Tiger is.

As Tiger climbs out of the Buick, two tees fall from his pocket. "Well, what are those, sonny?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," Tiger replies.

"Tees, huh? And what would you be using them for?" asks the worker.

"Well, they are for resting my balls on when I drive," says Tiger.

"Holy cow!" exclaims the attendant. "Those fellows at Buick think of everything."
 

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After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
 

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Chapter Director Coordinator
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:eek: :zpuke:

don't ever do that again....heheheheh
 

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Good one: Say this all as one joke

What do you call nuts on your chest?? Chest Nuts




What do you call nuts on the wall?? Wall Nuts




What do you call nuts on your chin?? A dick in your mouth Faggot!!!!
 

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Sheepish
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Whats the hardest thing about eating a vegetable....

putting her back in her chair when you're done!... :D
 

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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 loaf of bread
1 Qt of milk
1 box of cereal
1 frozen dinner
1 box of tissues

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single, huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "Well .... Yes, how did you that?"

The checkout guy replies, "Because, you're ugly!" :D
 

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:eek: :eek: :uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint: :eek: :eek:
 

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forcfed93 said:
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 loaf of bread
1 Qt of milk
1 box of cereal
1 frozen dinner
1 box of tissues

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single, huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "Well .... Yes, how did you that?"

The checkout guy replies, "Because, you're ugly!" :D
:uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint: :D :D
 

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It's the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date's house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

"Have a seat," the old man says. "Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute." The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. "You know," the dad says, "my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat." He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. "Yup, yup," the dad continues. "She loves that screwing. Just can?t get enough of it."

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. "Damn it, Daddy!" she screams. "The twist! It's called the twist!"
 

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Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him in question. "That was my pager", he said. "I have a micro-chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained. "That was my cell phone. I have a micro chip in my hand".

The Hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him in disbelief. The Hillbilly finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX!!!"
 
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