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Smoothmeister K
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Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.
 

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Anything But Typical
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"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign!"

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign!"

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign!"

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Okay Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... Now you need to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign!"

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign!""
 

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.

It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

---

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

--

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
 

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ShadowDragon said:

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
Doh!!!! Damn, that just isn't right........:uppoint: :uppoint:
 

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A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... "


and the blonde said..........


































Helloooo.... I've got Windows ! ! !
 

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Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or i! llness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 

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Moderator, Iowa Chapter Director, Uber Luber, TCCo
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ShadowDragon said:
Snappy Answer #4
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or i! llness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
:uppoint: :uppoint: :uppoint:

-Thomas
 

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Cajuns in heaven and hell

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold.. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"

God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"

God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These crazy cajuns done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"
 

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A termite walks into a bar. He asks the bartner "Is the bar tender here?"

Yeah...bad joke thread...that's the ticket!
 

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Onestone was his name. This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more. They called him Oddbag or Sadsack.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all ! night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die! What is the moral of the story?
..........................













You can't kill two birds with one stone.
 

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Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said,
"Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example.
Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"
 

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In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the
energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand
you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in
sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going onto to add
statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized
exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the
class, never to return.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's
reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her
question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness
are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.
 

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There was a traveling salesman whose car broke down on a lonely country road. It took a couple hours to make it to the nearest farm house, and by then it was completely dark.

He knocked on the door and when an old farmer answered the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

"Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk," said the hospitable old man. "But, I ain't got no good looking daughter like ya always hear about in them jokes."

"Oh!" said the salesman. "Can you tell me how far is it to the next house?"
 

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The other night a woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." she told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.

She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
 

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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some @sshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but wh0res and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"No sh!t??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 

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Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
 

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SC_Steve said:
I hope these don't offend anyone:

Why do blonde's where big hooped earing on dates?
so they have somewhere to put their feet!

What do you call one blonde blowing into another blondes ear?
Data Transfer, lol!

Why did the blonde girl have bruises on her belly button?
Her boyfriend was blonde too!

What do you call 10 polish guys with Turbins on their head?
A Pack-A-Stanly's

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?
A speach impedament!

I'll post more when I think of 'em


:D
I'm Italian and I think that was hilarious!:thumbsup: :headbang:

A Heavy Weight Camp sits on a plane. The Flight attendent walks over and askes him to buckle his seat belt. "superman don't need no' seat belt." he says.
And the flight attendent replys, "superman don't need no PLane."
 

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93pimpin said:
Whilst enjoying a drink..
Um, look at the previous page, I posted that over a year ago. :tongue:
 
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