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Oh, ha. With dialup, I can't search though the first page, unless I have 15 minutes to kill. I guess I should change my settings so something other than 100 posts per page, now that I'm back home. :D
 

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Chief of Warranty Police
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1,492 Posts
There's this stock broker in New York, and he gets out of work one night and decides he wants to get himself a hooker. He drives around for a little bit until he finds one he likes. So he pulls over to the side of the road and picks up the hooker.

"How much for a hand job?" he asks.

"$500." the hooker replies.

"$500?! That's an awful lot, don't you think?"

So the hooker points across the street to a brand new Benz, and says "You see that car? Cost me $80,000 cash."

The guy thinks, "Well, must be pretty good to make that kind of money...what the heck."

Sure enough, it's the best hand job he's ever had.. tells all his friends about it. The next week, he decides he wants to pick up the same hooker. He does, and they're sitting in his car again.

"How much for a blow job?" He asks.

"$5,000."

"$5,000?!"

The hooker points down the street to a high-rise condo building. "You see that building? I own that. I paid $500,000 cash for it."

Again, he decides to go with it, and sure enough, it's the best one he's ever had. The next week, he goes to pick up the hooker again.

"How much to have sex with you?"

"$50,000"

"Are you serious?"

And the hooker points down the road, and says "You see that? On the other side of the river?"

The guy says, "Yeah, that's Staten Island."

"Well, if I had a vagina, I'd own it."
 

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Chief of Warranty Police
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1,492 Posts
Once there was this little boy, good looking, smart, the works. His parents put him through grade school, and he graduates at the top of his class, perfect grades and all. So his parents are so proud of him, they tell him they'll get him absolutely anything he wants.

He tells his parents he wants 10 purple ping pong balls. They try to talk him into something else, but that's all he wants, and they get them for him.

The kid goes through high school, and again, graduates with high honors, at the top of his class. His parents are so incredibly proud of him, they again offer him anything he wants.

He thinks about it, and tell them he wants 100 purple ping pong balls. THey try to talk him into a new car, but he denies it. Again, they get him the purple ping pong balls.

College comes along, and he studies for 6 years to be a doctor. He graduates college at the top of his class. Parents could not be happer. So, as in years past, they offer him absolutely anything he wants.

He asks for 1,000 purple ping pong balls, and he gets them.

So he goes on to be a doctor, and turns out to be one of the best in the field. One day, he's on vacation driving along a narrow mountain road. He sees a car coming in the opposite direction and realizes there is not enough room for the both of them to pass. Thinking about it, he could swerve to the inside, save himself, and send the other guy over the edge inevitably to his death. Since he's a doctor and he's dedicated his whole career to saving other people, he swerves to the outside sending his car over the edge and allowing the other driver to pass safely.

He wakes up in the hospital with his parents standing over him. They go on about how proud they are of him, and the unselfish decision he made. Once again, they offer him absolutely anything he wants. He looks up at them, and says,

"10,000 purple ping pong balls.."

"Are you sure that's all you want?" they ask him.

"Yes."

"All right, but before we get them for you, we have to know... all these years, that's the only thing you've ever asked for under all your accomplishments. What exactly do you need them for?"

He looks up at them and takes a deep breath, "Mom, dad, I thought it was so obvious...... I needed them for........."

...and he dies.


:D
 

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1,324 Posts
What do a wife and a condom have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

A man goes to a tattoo artist and asks if he will tattoo a One Hundred dollar bill on his penis. The tattoo artist says he will only do something that personal if the guy has a good reason for it. The man then says, "I'll give you three good reasons."
1. "I like to play with my money."
2. "I like to watch my money grow."
3. "The next time the ol' lady wants to blow a hundred bucks, she doesn't have to leave the house."
 

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Eleventeenth Gear Poster
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3,067 Posts
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.
One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his
wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to
make
$50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the
woman
he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots,
then
more footsteps.
MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
MAID: There's no pool here.
A long pause..........
WIFE: Is this 832-4821?
 

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Good One!
 

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125 Posts
Those were good, but get this one: "A baby seal walks into a club." :zdevil:
 

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7,557 Posts
Hughges said:
Those were good, but get this one: "A baby seal walks into a club." :zdevil:
Haha, ya. I told that one last night. One of my favorite one-liners.
 

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Jedi Master
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3,647 Posts
ok well there was a wedding I got invited to but couldn't make it, this was about a week ago.
It was two TV's that were getting married (use your imagination)
I heard that the wedding was boring but that the reception was great!...:tongue:
 

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168 Posts
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first
patient and the patient replies:

"Fair fa yere honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye tak yere place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and
greets him. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the
next
patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind
of
facility is this? is it a mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit".
 

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The other night a woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." she told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.
LMAO :uppoint: !!!

OK, here's one from the newest Maxim:



Did you hear about the Scottsman who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was just allergic to wool :D.
 

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Formerly known as lfteyechicken
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865 Posts
Craig-and-Molly said:
"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign!"

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign!"

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign!"

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Okay Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... Now you need to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign!"

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign!""

Bill engvall is great, git-er-done
 

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lfteyechicken said:



Bill engvall is great, git-er-done
My favorite Bill Engvall joke .............

A guy is using a coat hanger to try to unlock his car when someone walks up and says, "Did ya lock your key in the car?" to which he replies, "NOPE, I just washed it and I'm going to hang it up to dry"!!!!! (Here's yer sign)
 

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Boom.
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5,238 Posts
forcfed93 said:


My favorite Bill Engvall joke .............

A guy is using a coat hanger to try to unlock his car when someone walks up and says, "Did ya lock your key in the car?" to which he replies, "NOPE, I just washed it and I'm going to hang it up to dry"!!!!! (Here's yer sign)
Actually when he tells that one (at least on the Blue Collar DVD) it's him that asks the stupid question.

He says "I'm walking out of the mall and see a guy with a coat hanger in the window, and I could not stop myself...etc"

It's even funnier that way because he did it himself!
 

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Moderator, Red Sox Nation Rabid Fan, TCCoAAC Found
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3,165 Posts
A bus full of UGLY people is driving along. An 18 Wheeler Frieghliner comes and hits the bus head on. Everyone on the bus is killed.

When they arrived to heaven, GOD felt bad for these people and decided that they we're deserving of one wish to be granted each.

So the 1st person says to GOD "I want to be beautiful"
As does the 2nd and third and everyone else after hearing the person before them ask for beauty...

As GOD is granting these requests, he hears the man at the end of the line laughing. GOD continues going down the line but he cant help but notice the man at the end of the line that is about to piss his pants he is laughing so hard.

So GOD finally gets to the last person and asks him what is so funny...The man says....




Make them all ugly again...
 

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Eleventeenth Gear Poster
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3,067 Posts
Saw these posted on MD and got a kick out of them....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 
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