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Discussion Starter #1
Yes this is a car formum but I need a place to vent so tough!!! I am going to do it here...

Some of you guys know I am a married man and have been happily married for 2 years. Recently I have noticed a change in my wife as in beiong a little distant not being affectionate. I have been seeing my wife for over 8 years and lived with her for 6 years so i can tell when somethings wrong. I constatly tried to talk with her and I was always put on the back burner..

There where signs here and there and I had "gut" feelings about her not being faithful but I ignored them... I thought I was just being jeolus and being a jerk so I never pushed the issue.

Finally it had got to the point where she was never home and didnt want to spend anytime with me so I confronted my wife if she waws cheating on me... She said yes but it was only a kiss yada yada yada.

She also gave me every Cliche' in the book "I love you but not in love with you" "its not you its me" and then she said the biggy... I think I settled WTF does it mean to settle? That angered me but I said do you want to stay and she said she didnt want to leave..

I slept on it and spent the day away from her.. I came home and we talked and we both said she should leave for a while. I told her to take what she needed to last a week and we will talk then and I asked her not to come up to the apartment without calling because I was changing the locks... She got upset and stated that I was taking it as a break up not a break (duh). I also said I could not be with someone who just "settled". She claimed that she needed time to find out what she wanted and if she wanted to come back.. I told here I need to deside if I ever want her to come back.. I helped her pack and load up her car and gave her a hug goodby...

Now this is not the whole story and I am sure I left things out and its only one side of the story but I have always thought that I was better then just "sttled" material. I love my wife very very much and I still want her back but I aske myself why should I take her back after what she said... I did not say anything offensive to her during our talks other then one comment she kept geting mad at which is I told her that 4 or 5 years from now you are going to wake up and realize she made a mistake...

I happen to take the the vow I took when I got married very very seriosly and it says for better or for worse.. Is the a worse? If I take her back with this happen again?

Luckliy there is no kids fom this marrage and no property to settle. but jeesh I know when are confusing and hard to understand but when you think you connect with someone and share everything with them your life, your love and all experiances are made better by being together... How does one recover? What is one to do....

This may be a long ramble but I need to get this off my chest and actually look forward to read responces on this. Some times you need to tell somepeople something and I found here is one of the better places to say it....
 

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02 Explorer Pioneer
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Wowww. I wish I had an answer for you but only you know whether you could take her back. What I would recommend if she is willing, and you want to work on this, is to talk to a marriage counselor. There is a lot more happening here than just a kiss etc that is just the end result of a set of events. What you need to know and what you need to work on together (if you are both still commited) is why did she start to wander and how can you as a couple overcome it. I know a lot of peple attatch a stigma to marriage counselors but I can honestly say visiting one occasionally for a tune up even when things aren't this out of control is a good thing. I don't know if you are religious or not but if you are a Christian I would recommend seeing a Christian counselor as there is a whole other dimension to a marriage relationship that they can also help you with. I've been married 11 years and I am not ashamed to say we have made a counselling visit twice.....it can really help facilitate communication.
 

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Refrigerator Raider Hater
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I think a week is not enough. If you are separeted for a couple months, and then she still wants to be with you, then take her back.
 

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Geek w/Gearhead Complex
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We've talked about this and you know where I stand, but I'll say it here so everyone else knows what I'm talking about.

I deeply feel you never ever take a girl back after they've made a decision to break it off. Period, no exceptions. "one shot", no more, no less. I know you still love her, but there's always a point where you have to ask yourself is it worth it, is it worth the complications, concerns, worrying, everything. Is it worth it?? Just remember history repeats itself ...over and over again. (I don't buy that whole -get it out of your system- bs, thats just an excuse)

I say cut your losses, fold from the table, leave and never look back. It's hard, it isn't fun but it'll save you a ton of problems later on.
 

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You are the only one that can decide what you want. If you want try and work things out then go to counselling. If you don't, get mean fast.

That may sound harsh, but that is why I haven't been on the boards lately. After 14 years of marriage 2 kids a house and 2 attempts at marriage counselling my wife had an affair with by best friend (I sure miss him) on the deck at our house while the kids and I were asleep.

To make things easy on the children I gave up everything and had to file bankruptcy. The only thing left is the T-bIRD (SHE HATED IT ) and I get visiatation with my children.

Now my ex wife and ex friend live in my ex house with my kids. Get a mean lawyer and burn as bad as you can.

Just my opinion.
 

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Heavily Medicated Crime Fighter
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See that bus stop coming up ahead? It's yours:(

Sorry man but it does not sound good at all but I do hope you work it out.

Been there done that and there is only one little word that you need to keep saying to yourself... NEXT!!!
 

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Geek w/Gearhead Complex
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Mark M. TCCoA VP said:
Been there done that and there is only one little word that you need to keep saying to yourself... NEXT!!!
or Keg...
 

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hmmmm let me put it in car terms....

Relationships are like cars....

do you wait till something breaks on ur car to fix it?...no u dont put that rumbling noise coming from the engine on the back burner....you do something about it and you fix it before it can get worse...like someone said in a previous post, even when ur not having problems a good tune up would be ok to do..i know couples that are happily in love and still go to marriage counslours...that doesnt mean they are having mariage problems..

and the thing about her as it being jus a kiss....that was a result on the many mistakes she was making before that ie:
-why was she at a party without you?
-what did she do to make a guy think that she was interested in her?
-why did she drink *if she did* in the first place?
-why did she wear what she wore without thinkin of the consequences?
-.....the list goes on man

im glad there are no kids in this confilct but still u need to go to a marriage counselor...and if she doesnt want to that jus lets u know that she is not willin to work things out as hard as you want to..

.........Every mairiage needs a tune up..........


good luck man
 

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Well, like Fubarian said , cut your losses , pick up the pieces and move ahead , after the" kiss" (it is never just the kiss it is the feelings involved) IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME that kiss will haunt you forever
 

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I gotta say I'm with Fubar on this one..

Definitely not worth the worry on when or if it'll happen again.
 

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02 Explorer Pioneer
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I need to comment on some of the responses. Simply saying cut your losses or stay and fight is real easy to type in a forum but doesn't really have much validity unless you are standing in his shoes. Those who have had bad experiences were unique situations and so were those with good. He has some real soul serching to do and none of us are qualified to make that call for him.
 

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Tim, you are right as he has to do what is right for him and I agree with that 100%. The only point some have been trying to make is don't be stupid and play the fool. The road in front of him is filled with land mines. Just my opinion.
 

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I fully agree with that Mark. I think there are just a lot of inexperienced folks on this board who find it very easy to offer advice they aren't qualified to give.
No flame intended I just want everyone to actually think about the ramifications of what they write and the impact they can have on his life. This is very serious stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Mark M. TCCoA VP said:
don't be stupid and play the fool.


This is something I should have done 6 months ago when I started to notice something wrong.

I really dont think its an option to dump and run... alot of years together and a marrage.. not something "easy" to walk away from..


On that note I ask people have been cheated or have been cheating is there ever forgivness or will there always be that bitter taste.. I know you cant answer that but its a question I am asking myeself. Is she worth it .... Yes I think so... but the question should be does she deserve me...


I ramble and a little incoherant so dont mind me...


I apreciate everyones responce I have actually founf this theriputic...
 

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I'm going to weigh in here...

First off you have to take eveything said here for what it is. People giving advice based on their own expierence and having been in similar situations. People mean well. While I can't say that nobody here is a certified counselor, I do not think one has come forward in this thread.

Now for my 2 cents...

Not having the "other"side of the story. What I will say will be based on your first post.

Marriages end for lots of reasons. Not all of them good ones. I think what has happened in your case is the worst possible thing to happen. A spouse being unfaithful is the hardest thing for marriage to overcome and for two people to reconcile. Human nature is for us not to trust once we have been betrayed. Once bitten, twice shy. It takes a VERY special person to be able to look past the betrayal. Most people in this situation will always wonder if the other is late, or goes out with friends, is that person being faithful. The question you have to ask yourself is this you? If you are alwyas going to be questioning her fidelity, then it may be time to move on. While she has given no reason for you TO trust her. She will resent you for not trusting her.

You both need the time apart. Reading your post is sounds like you are both sending mixed signals. You want her to come back, yet you had the locks changed. She telling you that she may have settled certainly sounds like she wants out but she is upset that you changed the locks.

Saving this relationship is possible, heed the advise here and go see a counselor, even if she will not go, see one yourself. It will help.

Just for curiousity how old are you both?
 

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Thunderterd said:
I ask people have been cheated or have been cheating is there ever forgivness or will there always be that bitter taste..
For me, There is always gonna be that wondering if she is cheating on me... I tried that once and vowed to never do it again. There is a reason she did this to you. It is probably something that will never change. If she can't accept you for who you are, then she is just perprtuating the "warm body syndrome".

I say you explain your true feelings to her, let her respond, and then try to figure out what happened to cause it. Don't stoop to her level and cheat back. That just put's you in her catagory, SH!T.

That is my opinion. Opinions are like armpits: Everyone has one and it usually stinks!

I wish you luck.

John
 

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Cam94 said:
It takes a VERY special person to be able to look past the betrayal. Most people in this situation will always wonder if the other is late, or goes out with friends, is that person being faithful. The question you have to ask yourself is this you? If you are alwyas going to be questioning her fidelity, then it may be time to move on. While she has given no reason for you TO trust her. She will resent you for not trusting her.
This is the bottom line, if you can trust her and she can be trusted from here on then it's worth the try. If not, get on with the ending of it. A marriage is based on trust and commitment and cannot survive without it. Words do not make a commitment, actions do.
 
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